Sunday, December 19, 2010

Massive Update

Well since I haven't updated since October, maybe it's time for an update. A lot has changed since my trip to Phoenix. I had the awesome opportunity of having my boyfriend, best friend and best caddy along to help. He helped immensely. Always does. I can't even remember what I shot, but I felt like it was going to be a good warm up for Qschool the next week.

My time in Florida was awful. I have never felt so betrayed by golf and so awful on a golf course. I started out poorly and finished my first 18 holes with a +6/-1. Ha. How's that for starters? Well I took it with a grain of salt and was ready for the next day. Similar day. WTF. I felt like golf was turning on me. No matter how much I let it go, at the end of the round I still felt like shit. After my third round, and a missed cut, I was done. So ready to not feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster. So ready to not be on a golf course. I haven't felt that in a verrrrry long time. Every chapter has an end, and it really felt like this was the end of it.

I spent some much needed time with my sister who works at Disney World and got to experience the parks with her which was an absolute blast. I also got to spend some days with my old teammate which was amazing. We had some pretty crazy adventures which included watching kittens thrown out the window of a car and rescuing them. Eventually she fostered the thrown kitten. Wow.

After golf was over, I started to really feel life again. I have prayed immensely over this and really feel it is not the direction God has for me in my life. My summer was unforgettable and so valuable but God's purpose in my life does not lie in traveling the country along feeling empty. I didn't and still don't feel like me playing golf is benefiting anyone but myself and that guilt seems insurmountable. You can think what you want, maybe I have too much talent to stop playing, I know my work ethic could get me anywhere in this game but without the desire to become better and healthy ways to deal with guilt, and the stress of touring, I can't continue.

This post hasn't even addressed the issue of funding a year. It is too tough in this economy to ask people to donate to my dream. I know my dream is valuable, maybe it's not my dream anymore, but I will not continue in massive debt that this past year has put me in. I will forever be so grateful for the people that did help me along my way, I even invested a lot of my own savings, but I am still in the red and I refuse to continue that pattern being a young adult trying to make it in this society.

I just feel betrayed by golf. I have worked my whole life at this, thought I could make it on tour which a lot of people can't do, but turns out I can't. I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to check that off my list. To be able to live that dream and find out it's not for me. In the long run, and even now a little bit, I have come to terms that that is not in my journey anymore. This, however, does not mean that golf can't be a vessel to give back to the community, and in my free time, I will be doing just that. I have had SO many amazing opportunities from playing golf. From the places I have been to, all across North America, to the friends I have met, all across North America. I have met some of the most amazing people and met them in their own journey and it has been so memorable.

A part of me feels like it's dying and it's sad. It's hard to tell people about this but it's just another step in the journey. I have tons of other interests people have no clue because to all of them I am known as a golfer. It is not my identity and it never defined me. The intangibles of hard work, determination, focus, discipline have always defined me. Whatever the vessel is to showcase those traits doesn't define a person and if you get anything from this post take that.

Since my trip to Florida, I have accepted a position at a preschool academy and have been teaching 2year olds. It has been a great transition and I love working with them everyday. I have also been training for 5ks and 10ks, and set my personal records in the month of November. In the month of December I have basically been sick the entire month and had a lot of time to think and deal with all of this. It's been a struggle. It hasn't been easy, but what in life is?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Heading South...

Well, the year isn't quite over yet. Headed down to Phoenix to play in the Arizona Women's Open this week. You can follow here. It will be a good warm up for Q-School in two weeks down in Florida.

Here's to lots of birdies and sunshine!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Tis The Season For Growth

It's tough to sum up an entire year. Hasn't seemed like a year to me. Overall, it was one of the best times of my life. To be on the road, and doing what I love and having some success was awesome. I met some amazing people, my host "parents" or the friends I made on tour. I have so many awesome memories of the year. And there were many moments of frustration that causes someone to wonder if it was the right decision. I matured as a golfer and a person, so judging by that, it was a great year. Whenever there is growth there has to be some tough times, and there were. There were moments when my back was up against the wall financially and I had to make a cut to send in a full check for the next series, and I made it happen. However, I didn't achieve my goals that I had wanted to. I know I am a great player and can do great things. I know I can win on the Duramed FUTURES Tour and I know it will be on God's watch, not mine. There were a lot of mistakes that I made this past year that were just evidence of my age as a golfer, they were rookie mistakes. The best thing about making mistakes is you know exactly what to work on to be better, and in a way I am thankful for that.

I stayed with families that I would never hesitate to claim as my own. They were so great and for someone who was a "homebody" in college grew into someone that could interact and bond with whoever came her way, and for that I am very thankful. It was a key ingredient in this year being a success.

I had given up my dream on playing professional golf in college. College golf does that to some people. You get so sick of being told what to do, where to go, what to wear. In a way its easier than professional golf but you have so much drama to deal with. When it goes on for four years I couldn't help but associate all those negative feelings about college golf with just golf. But after my senior year something happened and I fell in love again. That "newfound" independence after graduation made me feel like I could tackle anyone, anytime. It led to a stellar amateur summer and spring boarded me into Duramed Qualifying School.

As my off-season (sort of) starts, I will take those things, build off what I can and get ready for my next events and next season.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Greater Richmond Classic: Round 2

Dawn and I had a mid morning round again which was nice because it has been so bloody hot here all week. I struggled right away, three over after four then I turned it around. Those are always mental victories for me because it's tough to do that. If you wake up in a funk, or sleep poorly, there are so many factors that you could let ruin your day but you have to choose to fight, everyday, otherwise you can't survive out there. Plain and simple. I made the turn in +1 after making two straight tap in birdies. The back was going well but after a poor swing on #16 found an inch into the hazard but my ball had somehow gone into a hole the perfect diameter of a golf ball, I had to drop and made double. It's tough when it comes down to one swing, but that's how this level is. You either make a lot of birdies to offset your mistakes or you don't make mistakes. It's part of the thrill and it is part of the dissapointment. It sucks to miss a cut after a semi-streak of made cuts but that's how it goes. I think I come off that it doesn't bother me to miss a cut, but it really makes me angry, for about 5 minutes, then I get into pro-active mode to find out what to work on, change, get sharp for the next event. Life is to short to get mad over missed cuts. When that happens, there is always a lesson. Whether we want to learn the lesson or not, it is there and you can either learn it and get better or you can sulk in your pride and pity and be miserable. The latter sounds like torture to me!

I am playing in a pro-am in Raleigh, NC on Monday so I will be getting ready for that. It is benefiting breast cancer research, which hits close to home. My boyfriend's mother has breast cancer for a second time and just finished chemo [Insert prayer] and thought it was a perfect opportunity to be a part of such an incredible cause.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Greater Richmond Classic: Round 1

I played with Dawn Shockley, first of all. If you don't recognize the name, she played junior golf in CO with me and we've known each other forever. The last time we played together was in high school at her home course. Crazy! Needless to say, it was fun to catch up with her and see how she has developed as a golfer since high school. We teed off in the morning so it was good to get out there early. It was a tough day though. Up and down and had a chance of rain all day so we thought we were just gonna get poured on. Well, on our 17th hole, IT POURED! We weren't pulled off the course so we had to play those last two tough finishing holes in a downpour. I had a 6' for par on #17 and I could hear the rain coming down the cart path. Rain in the south is cool like that, it comes at you in a sheet but you can see the defined line. Anyway, we both struggled with pouring in the birdies and shot the same thing, 74.

We'll be playing again tomorrow!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Richmond, VA

I stopped on the way down from PA at the National Museum of the Marine Corps. What a find that was! I spent about 2.5 hours grazing in facts and accounts of marines who fought in all different wars. How awesome. When I left, I was just totally overcome with emotion. What an honor it was to see all that and what an incredible sacrifice. That was probably the closest I have come to trying to grasp the concept of risking a life for freedom. It was very cool. Here are some awesome pictures I took.

 {the flag that was raised on Mount Suribachi made famous by Jon Rosenthal's photograph}

{pins mark the lives lost on Iwo Jima}

{hidden photograph of Iwo Jima when taken against the same wall, but with flash}